I wanted to talk about this topic today because this issue has recently resurfaced. I think I can easily say that 90% of the people that I meet are at times not happy with how they look or how they wish to look like someone else. This leads to drastic measures such as going on crazy diets and crazy workout routines to starving oneself and some go under the knife to achieve that perfection that is drawn up in their mind.
There are days where I feel the same way too. To be very frank, I've gone through this phase and it lead me to starving myself and working out like crazy. I did lose a lot of weight and the scary part was that I felt good about it. Problem was that everyone around me didnt think of my achievement as a good thing (well of course not...I was practically starving myself and would only resort to eating oats and nuts and when I'm really hungry I'll eat a piece of fruit or a slice of bread) This was a very confusing stage in my life and it all started because I was bullied.
I was bullied by my own family members about being fat. About how I can devour everything and how I would put on so much weight. I am 5ft and weigh about 54kg at that time. My BMI was at an optimum state and my weight has never fluctuated apart from my usual range of 49-56kg. So technically I was ok before I went through that phase in my life.
What got me into making such a drastic decision was the fact that I was constantly hackled by certain family members of mine on my weight. Imagine how confused I was at that time. Being made fun by the very people who were suppose to "love me for me". It was during one of their 'joke' time where I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to just stop eating.
I devised a plan where I would lose a certain amount of weight in 6 months and it revolved around the bad stuff which was practically starving myself and exercising like crazy.
During the first week of my new plan, those family members of mine didnt believe me and thought I was just being foolish. I was foolish, I dont deny that. But at that moment, I was extremely determined and had the urge to prove to them that I was going to get it done and they would regret ever making fun of me.
After about 2 weeks into my plan, I saw an extreme change. I did lose my fats and I was smaller compared to the previous 2 weeks. I felt like it was an amazing accomplishment. But in my blindness, I was starting to make the people around me worried. I remember my fencing coach coming up to me to ask me if I was feeling alright after our usual training session. I told her I had a small flu (which I did at that time) and it was nothing she should worry about.
After 3 months, I lost more fat and gained a fitter body due to all the exercises I put my body through. after the 4th month I dropped 2 sizes and scarily I was happy. After the 5th month (and after constant nagging from my family members. yes including those who bullied me), my family members thought it was time they stopped me from achieving my goal. (like an intervention hahaha)
Eventually I did lose the excess body fat and am able to maintain the current size that I am now (although I do fluctuate here and there) but I think this IS NOT the way to lose weight. I think if you wanna lose weight its because of you and you alone, Not because you feel like you have to prove to someone that you can do it. Because if you do that, if you let someone or anyone influence you like that you will be living in constant fear of not being perfect and not being able to accept yourself as you are.
My mother was always "skinny" and I have never ever been "skinny". I have always been the 'curvy' one in the family and the fattest one too. And I struggle with the constant battle between wanting to be happy and wanting to please everyone and myself and achieve that slim figure. But what is life if I cant enjoy the simple things ?
Is it wrong that I love my body the way it is? Is it wrong that I would rather chose waffles and takoyaki over a granola bar nowadays? Is it wrong that I accept my body as it is and work on improving it on my own terms? Why must I constantly be bullied even to this day regarding my body issues?
I think I have every right to decide what I wanna look like and how I wanna feel because I am the one who is living in this body and I plan on treating it well and make me happy. and so do you!
So in light of this current situation of mine, because apparently it resurfaced during dinner...and I was a bit bitchier and bolder than before (6 years ago I would've just given in) I have decided that :
1) yes. I am gonna work out and all that jazz..BUT IN MY OWN TERMS AND MY OWN WAYS AND MY OWN ACHIEVEMENTS
2) eat more stuff with higher health benefits.
3) control my demonic cravings.
4) drink lots of water
5) appreciate what God already gave me. because I have been blessed with everything a girl would need in life and I am not gonna let what others say about me affect me so much and just try not to give a ffff.
and so what if I wanna eat nasi lemak, takoyaki, have waffles and ice cream after that?
xx,
Sarah
p.s : accept yourself.
