Trip to the Oncologist.

So today's post is something that I had been thinking about long and hard.

and I feel that I should share this out even if its nothing much. (I hope). Bare with me here. Its pretty much a very intimate thing, so....yeaaahhh.....(and a little awkward too~) hahaha

A couple of weeks ago I did a Breast Self-Examination (BSE, for short) and I found a small lump that was never there before. Obviously worried, I told mum and we went for an appointment with the oncologist (someone who specialises in cancer) on 22nd July 2014.

We went to the clinic in the afternoon and I had to fill in a few forms, as it was my 1st ever checkup to an oncologist. After all the forms were filled, we waited for awhile and was later called into the room. Mum was there with me the whole time. The Dr asked me a few basic questions about me like  how I discovered it, the size of the lump and about my family's history of breast cancer (which btw, I have no blood-related family members with history of breast cancer).

After the short interview we went on to manual checkup by the dr. had to raise my arms a few times before we got on to the manual check. However, instead of finding just 1 suspicious lump, she found 2 suspicious lumps. I was quiet for a moment hearing her say that. And had to let it sink in for awhile. 2 suspicious not-supposed-to-be there lumps... after the manual checks, we continued on to ultra sound to visually see the suspicious lumps. Lo and behold! I saw the two lumps she referred to on the screen in front of me. It was a very speechless moment for myself. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to react.

I cant even explain how I felt. Even now, Im still unsure how I feel about the discovery.

The next step was to take a few samples to determine what those suspicious lumps were. if I'm not mistaken, a biopsy? I don't know what was the full name of the procedure but she pretty much used a needle to extract a sample from each lump. It wasn't painful. It was like getting a vaccination. only the needle went in deeper and looked a lot scarier. ( i covered my eyes about 70% of the time, so Im just assuming haha)

Anyways, a sample from each lump was taken and sent to the pathologist to determine what it is. According to my oncologist, it didn't look dangerous. But we wouldn't know for sure what it is yet till the results come out from the lab. Hopefully it'll be good news.

On a happier tone, 1st of Syawal is finally arriving! and that means its almost the end of Ramadhan (boohoo....) I lost 2 kg from fasting and i sleep earlier now too. I cant wait to eat all the yummy Raya goodies. We'll be having briyani, lemang, ketupat, rendang...aaaahhh~ I'm pretty sure I'll be gaining back the 2kg I lost after the 1st week of Syawal -_- hahaha

I guess, thats it for now!

Selamat Hari Raya,

Sarah

Design is subjective

What makes a great design?

Is it the use of materials? Is it the use of various design elements that makes the viewer go "WOW! THATS AMAZING!". Or is it the understanding and interpretation of the designer on what the client wants?

As an architectural student, I face this problem. Lets be honest here. I'm not the best student in my class. Heck...I am pretty sure this year I am one of the lowest in my class. No...I am sure I am one of the lowest in my class as I've already checked my grades. So, being the lowest in the class I can honestly say that I face a problem of understanding on what makes a great design.

According to my lecturer of course, design is subjective. As how beauty is subjective too. What is beautiful to one person doesn't necessarily mean its beautiful in another persons eyes. But why is it that those who score higher than me, are able to come up with amazing designs?

Because of this...I worry about my future. I will be going into the built and design environment (architecture) and I want to be great. I want to be able to design well and come up with genius ways to achieve and make it comfortable to be in a building.

Maybe what makes a great design isn't necessarily about the facade of the building. Maybe it is how it is built and how its surrounding elements effect the building.

As a resolution, for my upcoming semester, I promise myself that I am going to absorb as much knowledge as possible during my internship and to read up more on stuff regarding designing a building. As designing a building isn't just about designing its facade.

we can do this, right?

Xx,

Sarah

I let my dreams and aspirations die

Today while I was watching a Coldplay video on youtube, I had an epiphany.

I realised that during my growing up phase (which i would consider as after high school) I somehow let my dreams and aspirations die. How does a Coldplay video relate to the realisation of the death of my dreams and aspirations, you ask? well...watching a bunch of people singing and having the time of their lives and living their dreams is envious. Absolutely envious. I don't dream of being a singer (though..I do admit there was a point in my life where I thought I had the voice of a song bird. HAHA) BUT, just in general the thought of living your dreams is just something I personally struggle with. I've always wanted to be a photographer, writer AND actress. But I never pursued it because I admit, my parents told me not to (the acting part) and because I didn't know where to start or what to do. I had a passion but I didn't have an outlet or platform to showcase it. And I suppose self-doubt and the constant fear of not being good enough played a role in this as well.

 If only I had been a little bit gutsier instead of living in constant fear of what others thought of me. If only I had been a little bit more stubborn and went on to developing my passion. If only I had done these things back in high school. If only....

Then I suppose I would be a little bit happier. I would be a little bit more satisfied.

Don't get me wrong, dear reader. I love what I have in my life now. I love all the people I've met. I love who I have become. I just wished I had not given up that part of my life because of fear. And what I would like to say to you, dear reader, who is reading this post right now (whether you stumbled across my blogpost by accident or clicked on it because I shared it on my Facebook and Twitter)...I hope you don't let your dreams die like I did. I hope you keep your passion alive and I hope you put effort in making it grow.

Because at the end of the day, this life is short and we should be allowed to live our dreams and be happy.

I think this would be the most honest blogpost I've ever written and I think I would be sharing more of these because I feel like this might be able to help me improve myself and overcome my fear of being judged and shamed. Haha...please be nice to me in your comments (if you have any comments, that is) haha... :P

Until next time,

Sarah

Abba, you were right...It's a rich man's world

It feels like its going to be a monthly post. HAHA. anyways, currently doing my internship in an architecture firm near my place. Its been such a crazy year. sometimes i just wish it would just stop for awhile and i'd be able to catch my breath. I have so much I want to do. And I wish I could just do everything that I want. and if only money was no object. I wish money wasn't something that limit us. Limit our potential in this world. My heart feels so restless and I feel like this world is too short for me to just go with the flow.

money money money...